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Has Anyone Seen My Fairy Godmother?

You’ve read the story & seen the movie. In a moment of extreme sadness & desperation for the lovely young maiden, the maternal fairy magically appears in an effervescent cloud of sparkles.

I’ve been scouting for that extra special sprite for many many years. I looked for her as I hit adolescence. The search carried on into high school & into wedding preparation & became imperative after I gave birth to my firstborn.Now you may be wondering why I was hunting for my fairy godmother and her special skills. It was simple. I hoped with a wave of her magic wand, that I would have the perfect body I dreamed of. The kind that could be covered in a burlap sack and still look amazing. This was where the fairytale came to a screeching halt. “Forget the elusive fairy” they said. “It takes commitment to a special exercise regimen and sticking to a diet that only rabbits dream of.” Thoughts of the sparkly being disappeared as I immersed myself in a world of matching leggings, leotards, bodysuits & sweatbands. My life was full of pounding beats, perky trainers and sweat. My seriously uncoordinated body attempted every exercise imaginable. I added a litany of whatever diet trend was the latest. Magical cabbage soup, anyone?In desperation I decided to try those elastic torture undergarments called Spanx. Twenty minutes of contortionist moves only resulted in a gallon of sweat and relocation of all my excess padding. “You just need a good bra. It will change your shape.” This was true. Now I had somewhere to rest my plate when a table wasn’t available.Let’s further the horror by going bathing suit shopping. It’s an illusionists nightmare come to life. There isn’t a print out there that adequately camouflages a plus size body. I resembled Tarzan more than Jane when I tried the animal print. There were ruffles and skirts and elastic fabric that NASA could use to launch rockets into space. Somebody forgot to consider that the wearer of the suit needed to breathe. Yet another genius designer came up with a suit that becomes see-through when it gets wet.Frankly I’m exhausted. Trying to keep up with what the latest nutrition experts are recommending and yet another “ultimate” exercise has worn me out. I’m reverting to my childhood dream of a fairy godmother. “Come out, come out, wherever you are! I’ve waited and worked long enough. Show yourself and don’t forget your magical wand, complete with buckets of that fabulous fairy dust. I really want to try on one of those burlap sacks.”

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